VIP Couples Intensive

Sure, you’re committed to the relationship, BUT…

The more important question is: Will you commit to the work needed to make your relationship fulfilling and successful for both of you?

Any great relationship takes work. It is easy to be on our best behavior when first dating because we try to win over that person. As the relationship becomes familiar, our needs pop up. Because our partner can’t read our minds, those expectations and needs don’t always get met. That’s when it is easier for our worst selves to come out.

If you want to have a better relationship, you have to be aware and intentional of yourself and your behaviors first. Then you need regularly to put into practice the researched dos and don’ts of creating relationship success.

At first, this isn’t easy because, as I said earlier, we never learned, nor have we had an opportunity to practice these relationship skills. Add on top of that all our feelings of hurt, disappointment, or maybe even hopelessness, make it difficult to set those feelings aside and do what needs to improve the relationship. So it takes a willingness to step in and stick through it to make things better.

This is where I come in. I can help you get there.

I’ve been working with individuals and couples for over 25 years on relationship stuff, so I have what it takes to help you.

When we first meet, I will do an assessment to understand better what’s going on with your relationship. You will fill out some questionnaires about how you see the relationship and what you see is working or not working.

I will meet with you both together, asking specific questions regarding your present relationship and questions that help give me insight into the beginnings of your relationship and how your relationship has progressed over the years. Then I will meet with each of you individually. During this time, I will gather some information about your history (because our history ALWAYS plays a part in our present relationships) and any other information you think is important for me to know.

I’ll use the results of that assessment to create a customized plan of action just for you. We’ll talk about it together and make sure you’re on board with the plan.

At the end of the assessment, we will schedule our VIP Intensive times together. According to both our schedules, we will block 5 – 6 hour slots (totaling approximately 20 hours) to achieve your desired outcomes.

This will be an intensive educational and experiential journey.

You’ll learn the differences between men’s and women’s patterns of expression and communication in relationships.

I’m sure you have said to yourself, “I just don’t get him/her.” In many ways, we are the same. However, there are ways we are very different. Many of the differences have to do with the dominant hormones we each have and how they impact the brain during development.

For example, men’s minds are intensely focused. How many times, women, have you told your husband something when he is in the middle of doing something, and he says “uh-huh” to you. Then later that week, you refer to what you said, and he does not know what you are talking about? When you understand these differences, you can be aware and do things differently to have fewer problems in these interactions.

We’ll explore your own communication style.

Did you know we all learned early in our life what to do with our negative emotions? Whether to expand them or minimize them. And once we learn this, then it plays out in the ways we communicate during conflict. I will work with you to understand your and your partner’s communication style and then teach you specific steps and skills to build a clear road map to ensure connection through conflict so that you both feel heard and create closeness.

You’ll understand the concept of WE versus ME.

Once we are past the falling in love stage, one of the biggest struggles is adjusting to make room for me, you, and we. One of the most important things I work with you on is this understanding. I will help you in the creation of the “entity” of your relationship. The relationship has to be treated as though it is a being that needs to be nurtured. Then we also will work on how to create the space for each of you individually. Because when we know how to pay attention to our own needs and how to meet them ourselves, we are more emotionally available for the relationship.

I will help you see how you’re bringing your past experiences into the present relationship.

We all have wounds from our childhood experiences that we bring into the relationship. Usually, this is where the power struggles and hurts come from. We have expectations of how the other will meet our needs, and when they don’t, or even worse, they behave in a way that triggers us, we step into fights.

I have created a particular exercise I will complete with you that clearly identifies your needs, your partner’s needs, the specific behaviors that trigger each of you, and identifies the ways each of you learned to cope with things when they don’t go your way which actually works against you in your relationship. Then I teach you how to implement this new information so that connection and healing can be created.

“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”
– Harville Hendrix

I will help each of you see the part you’re playing in your relationship’s tug of war.

What better way to end a tug of war than to both pull in the same direction for the win. That is what I will help you accomplish.

Conflict is inevitable, but how you handle it makes all the difference. All our brains automatically go to a win/lose position at first in conflict. It is up to us to take the necessary steps to move it to a win/win position. Two major skills must occur for this switch: 1) you must become keenly aware of your emotional state and know how to take a time out and soothe yourself first, and 2) you must use specific and effective communication tools. When you consistently can do these two things, you and your partner will start to be on the relationship side.

“It’s not you against me. It’s You & Me Against the Problem.”
– Debbie Morehead

You’ll learn how to foster empathy and compassion for each other.

Understanding the wounded parts of your partner allows you to see things from a different point of view. When you see things differently, you can act with compassion for your partner instead of taking things personally and reacting badly from your hurts. Additionally, I will teach and practice skills that increase speaking from a validating and empathetic place.

“Destructive language tends to produce destructive results.”
– Sir John Templeton

You’ll get the day-to-day skills you need to make your relationship successful.

Here a just a few of the exercises and day-to-day skills I will have you do:

John Gottman talks about the importance of turning towards your partner at a 20:1 ratio. This means for every one negative interaction. There are 20 positives in a day. Therefore I will have you practice a specific technique to show more appreciation, creating an environment of appreciation. Also, to build more positives, you will create a date jar, learn the importance of surprises and novelty in a relationship, develop specific daily rituals that build up the relationship, and construct a weekly relationship thermometer check-in.

When it comes to improved communication, I will walk you through a step-by-step process that you will practice in front of me to improve and then help ensure you truly know how to hear each other. These exercises will help develop the ability to paraphrase, acknowledge and then validate each person’s point of view, exhibit empathy, use “I” statements successfully and collaborate around an area that needs to be resolved.

Additionally, any particular problem area you have identified (money, sex, parenting, fairness, retirement plans, etc.) will be addressed using a targeted communication tool that you will use while in our time together. So that you know, there are a variety of communication tools I have gathered from other experts and one I have created myself. Some are used to dig deeper into your childhood experiences coming up in the present or get to your deeper dream under the conflict. Others are created to help understand the different perspectives and move toward a resolution. I will go over all the tools, so you have them, but I will handpick the best tool for your particular issue.

By the time we are finished, you will have the knowledge and specific skills needed to go forward confidently, knowing you can continue to create the relationship you have desired. You and your partner will know the actions you need to be your best selves and to spiral the relationship in a positive, upward direction.

The goal is to accept your partner for who they are… and for them to do the same for you. But to get there, you must have your own self-awareness and self-control. You need to understand each other’s needs, have empathy for them, and know how to communicate effectively.

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”
– Wes Angelizes