Living by Choice

My ideas for creating better relationships and a better life…

Every one of us brings our past into our present.

After working with thousands of clients during my 25+ years as a marriage and family therapist, that’s one thing I’ve learned.

And, unfortunately, that’s usually where things get messy.

What we experienced and what was modeled to us as children (and how our child-brain made sense of it)… that’s what we carry into every relationship and every interaction in our life.

This is why you find yourself saying things like…

“Why did I do that?”

“Why did I say that?”

“Why is this happening to me again?”

Without even knowing it, your unconscious is getting in the way of what you really want.

As adults, we re-create our childhood relationship patterns.

You may have had pretty good parents, despite their imperfections and limitations.

Or you may have had wounded caregivers.

You may have even experienced some trauma as you were growing up.

Your child-brain isn’t fully developed; it’s in an egocentric state that thinks everything is about you. So, it’s easy to see how you may have had thoughts like…

“My mom is crying. I must have done something to upset her.”

“I’m getting yelled at, so I must be bad.”

“My dad drinks a lot and doesn’t pay attention to me. I must not be good enough.”

When your childhood emotional needs aren’t met, your young brain thinks it’s your fault. So, it comes up with ways to meet those needs. For example, you might try to please your parents so that you get more attention. Then, when you grow up and don’t “feel good enough,” you kick back into people-pleasing.

This is just one example, but you can probably imagine many other ways that we play our past in the present.

And it’s all taking place subconsciously: You’re creating the exact opposite of what you want, and you do not know that it’s happening or why.

We’re going to work together on three main things…

Knowing yourself…

How can you change what you don’t know or even recognize?

You can’t.

That’s why deeper self-awareness is so important. And once you are aware, you can’t really go back to not knowing.

But this can be a good thing. It can motivate you to make changes because it’s too uncomfortable to see yourself doing unhelpful things.

This is where I do a deep dive to understand your past – how that little kid inside you learned to think, behave, and make choices. But don’t worry: We won’t leave you there. The purpose of this exercise is to understand how that kid inside is trying to protect you. Once you learn that, you’ll be equipped to change yourself.

Controlling yourself…

Not all of us have been taught or shown how to observe ourselves, stop our behaviors, or correct our actions. That’s where I come in.

Psychology and neuroscience have many data and ideas about how our brain works and what we can do to improve our mood and manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. We’ll draw from this knowledge, and you’ll be able to use them in your life, so you get what you want (rather than make things worse).

Standing up for yourself…

Once you have a better awareness of your past and how it has gotten in your way…

And once you have put into practice the self-management tools you’ll get in therapy…

You’ll be better able to speak up and stand up for yourself (in ways that actually help others, too).

And I will teach you the most effective ways to do just that.